Tuesday, January 31, 2012

"a brief moment in time where it feels like she never left"

In about 3 months it will be 2 years since my Mom passed away. Saying that feels so strange and foreign to me, as it doesn't quite feel like yesterday but it certainly does not feel like 2 years. Grief is such a powerful emotion and process that is unfortunately a part of life that we all have to go through. When I say go through I personally don't think that we just pass through, some of us stopping and lingering unwillingly or willingly longer than others. No, I think that grief is something that stays with a person and never truly and completely goes away. I think that it lays dormant for any period of time and can creep back up at any point. I do not think that grief is something that we go through but something that we carry with us and learn how to cope with as apposed to learning how to get rid of. Grief is the process of learning how to deal with the loss, the hurt, the confusion, the heartbreak of losing someone and losing a  part of your life that will inevitably never return. When you lose someone whom you love so much I don't think that anyone could ever possibly be 100% over it. Could ever possibly go through and wake up one day to never again miss that person, feel saddened that that person is gone, or wish that person could come back. No, we learn to cope with all of those feelings.

Grief is something that I will have to cope with for the rest of my life. We all deal with it and learn to cope in different ways. Some may be stronger than others, some may just look that way. Whilst others may have a harder time learning to deal with all of the emotions of losing someone so close. I am still learning and struggling ever day. I admit it is a little bit easier but not everyday feels that way. I still cannot bring myself to delete her name and phone number of my cell phone. I feel as though in some way it keeps her here. Crazy I know, what is even crazier is that I have called that number. I don't know what exactly I was expecting but its the inevitable 'this number is not assigned'. She is gone, she will never answer her phone again but for that brief moment in time when I press dial its a brief moment in time where it feels like she never left.

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